Beiträge von Herb

  • Einige Witze für euch!

    Kurs zum englisch lernen:


    I went grocery shopping recently...


    ... while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

  • Einige Witze für euch!

    Ken came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ken."


    Ken was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"


    St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."


    Ken was devastated, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"


    "Not bad," replied Ken the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"


    "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"


    "Never," said Ken. Well, just relax and let it happen, "says the rooster. "It's no big deal ".


    Ken did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ken was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....


    " Ken! Wake up. You've pooped in the bed! "

  • B. Obama, H. Clinton oder J. Edwards?

    Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.


    The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."


    Judy Wallman e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff responded with the following biographical sketch as they saw it:




    "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Mo ntana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

  • B. Obama, H. Clinton oder J. Edwards?

    "More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno

  • Einige Witze für euch!

    A doctor, lawyer and a biker are on a long train journey.


    As they are all sitting together in the same compartment, it doesn't take long before conversation starts flowing and after the usual "I'm married with x number of kids etc", they find out that they all got married in the same year, this then leads on to what they have got their wifes for their next wedding anniversary.


    The Doctor goes first and says, "I got my wife a pearl necklace and 2 weeks in the Bahamas. I figured that if she doesn't like the necklace, she'd certainly enjoy the holiday."


    Not to be outdone, the lawyer says, "Well, I got my wife a diamond encrusted necklace and an around the world cruise. I figured that if for some reason she didn't like the necklace, she'd certainly enjoy the cruise."


    The biker says, "Well, I got my wife a t-shirt and a dildo. I figured that if she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go fuck herself."

  • Einige Witze für euch!

    Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.


    Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out
    fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"


    Homer scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."


    ------------------


    New Orleans 911 Call(operator) "911 - What is your emergency?"


    (caller to 911) "My friend Tyrone just got shot and he's unconscious! We need an ambulance!"


    (operator) "Ok sir, just calm down now and we'll have an ambulance on the way. What is the address?"


    (caller) "We be at 456 Tchoupitoulas Screet!"


    (operator) "Could you spell that for me sir?"


    (caller) "....... long pause ....... how about if I drag his a$$ over to Camp Street and you pick him up there?"


    ---------------------


    An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.


    She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.


    On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.


    "What happened?" she asks.


    "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


    ---------------------


    Oprah Winfrey goes to Dr. Phil and confides in him:


    "I just can't seem to keep my weight down," she sobs. "I've tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Hollywood, Atkins, and a thousand other diets and none of them have lasting results. I've even tried hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & coffee enemas and still no success. Can you help me?"


    Dr. Phil says: "I think I can help you, but first there's something I need to check out. Take off all of your clothes and get down on your hands and knees."


    Having tried all other remedies and not wanting to show her lack of faith in the Doc, she obeys, strips down to her B'day suit and plops down on the floor.


    "Now crawl over by the fireplace and hold that position for 5 minutes." says the Doc.


    He stares at her from many different angles and then finally says, "Okay, Get Dressed and come back tomorrow."


    The next day, Oprah comes back and Dr Phil gives her the same instructions, but this time he has her crawl over by a plant and hold the position for 5 minutes.


    "Again he walks around the room looking at her from all angles and rubbing his chin in deep thought. After 5 minutes he has her get dressed and tells her to come back the following day.


    This goes on for three more days and Oprah has stripped and crawled by the French doors, the throw rug, the desk and she's getting pretty steamed about now. She finally gets dressed and says:


    "Look Doc, I've tried lots of crazy stuff in my life to lose weight, but how is crawling around naked on your floor going to help me lose weight"?


    Dr. Phil rubs his chin and says: "Oh it won't, but I'm buying an overstuffed black leather sofa for my office and I wanted to see where it would look best."